Nabi: [Chuckling] Nah, he was from the lower kingdom. I am from Beth-el. So he came into my kingdom, alright, and he healed the shriveled hand of King Jeroboam―
Bachelorette: What gall!
Nabi: Right? Traipsing onto my home turf and performing miracles right under my nose! So I told my sons to saddle my ass and I rode out to meet this other prophet and I invited him to my house to eat bread with me.
Bachelorette: How nice of you. I like a good party.
Nabi: Well, this young whippersnapper told me, if you can believe it:
I may not return with thee. . . For it was said to me by the word of the Lord, Thou shalt eat no bread nor drink water there, nor turn again to go by the way that thou camest.
(1 Kings 13:16-17)
Bachelorette: But you're the prophet! He was under your authority and jurisdiction, surely?
Nabi: Absolutely. Young people don't know their place these days. So I told him:
I am a prophet also as thou art; and an angel spake unto me by the word of the Lord, saying, Bring him back with thee into thine house, that he may eat bread and drink water.
(1 Kings 13:18)
Bachelorette: And was it true? Did an angel tell you that?
Nabi: [Shaking his head] No, I lied. But I was testing him, you see. I was testing whether he'd follow the word of the Lord that had come to him, or follow another prophet.
Bachelorette: And so what did the man from Judah do?
Nabi: He chose . . . poorly. He believed me. He came to my house and I fed him dinner.
Bachelorette: Well, no harm no foul. I am sure it was a good lesson.
Nabi: Umm. After he left, a lion met him on the road and ate him (1 Kings 13:24) because he disobeyed his personal revelation.
Bachelorette: So, the joke was on him, I guess.
Bachelor No. 3: Balaam
Bachelorette: Do you have any hobbies, sugar?
Balaam: I like horseback riding and touring the countryside on my donkey.
Bachelorette: All those stables must be expensive. Are you rich?
Balaam: Yes. You can tell a prophet is good at his job by his lifestyle. You have to make religion look profitable or no one will bother with it. Everybody these days wants taller temples; grandiose concerts; bloated bureaucratic budgets; creepy committees that strengthen church members by spying on them and keeping private dossiers on them ― these are the things that make religion attractive.
Bachelorette: You know what I find attractive? All that money you have.
Balaam: Yes, there are a lot of perks. Being a prophet isn't bad, really: I get to rub shoulders with King Balak, I get a generous living allowance with an unlimited line of credit on my credit cards; and then there are all the honorary doctorates and my golden temple recommend that never expires.
Bachelorette: But how can you afford all that?!
Balaam: Well, remember how Christ called Matthew, a tax collector, to the ministry? I like to think that I am following suit, as a tithe collector, to pimp out the Lord's kingdom.
Bachelorette: How noble of you! You must have left a lucrative career to enter into the service of the Lord like this.
Balaam: Oh yes, but it can be tiring, at times, touring the globe and giving all those speeches, disbursing other peoples' money to charities, overseeing thousands of employees, and making sure the professors at my universities tow-the-line. It takes a lot of hard work, overseeing a billion dollar multi-national corporation.
Bachelorette: You sound like a celebrity, like Bill Gates! Do you know the Kardashians?
Balaam: I get around. For example, I know an angel with a flaming sword.
Bachelorette: Ooh, do you think you could introduce me to him?
Balaam: Well, he called me "perverse" and stiff-necked, and in fact he wanted me dead, so we're not on speaking terms (Numbers 22:32-33).
Bachelorette: [Looking pouty]. Too bad.
Balaam: But my ass ― now there's an excellent conversationalist!
Join us next time for Wheel of Fortune: Prophet Edition!