The Dating Game: Prophet Edition

Bachelors Aplenty

After the success of last season's The Bachelorette: Prophet Edition, we now tune in to the following program in progress . . . .

Bachelor No. 1: Hananiah

Bachelorette:  What's your name, honey?

Hananiah:  Hananiah.

Bachelorette:  And where do you hail from?

Hananiah:  Judah, from a little place called Jerusalem.  

Bachelorette:  Ooh.  You sound so religious.  I like that. 

Hananiah:  Well, I am the son of Azur the prophet.

Bachelorette:  I bet you're not a bad prophet yourself.  I would wager you've got big biceps, hauling those heavy gold vessels around the temple all day. 

Hananiah:  [Chuckling]  I guess you could say that.  If you don't mind me saying, my spiritual chops are truly impressive.  I once prophesied:

   Thus speaketh the Lord of hosts,
   the God of Israel, saying,
   I have broken the yoke
   of the king of Babylon.

   Within two full years will I bring
   again into this place all the vessels
   of the Lord’s house,
   that Nebuchadnezzar
   king of Babylon
   took away from this place.

(Jeremiah 28:2-3)

Bachelorette:  That was so courageous of you, speaking against the mighty Nebuchadnezzar like that!  You remind me a little bit of Jeremiah―

Hananiah:  Don't mention his name!  That awful fellow made fun of me in front of all my friends, the priests, teasing me while he wore this ridiculous yoke about his neck!  

Bachelorette:  [Clucking] That certainly sounds like Jeremiah.  No doubt he looked like a fool.

Hananiah:  Absolutely.  I put him in his place, though.  I marched over to him and yanked that ridiculous yoke off his neck and I broke the darn thing. . .   

Bachelorette:  [Interjecting with a sly smile] Drama, drama!  I love it.

Hananiah:  And I told everyone: "Thus saith the Lord; Even so will I break the yoke of Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon from the neck of all nations" (Jeremiah 28:11).

Bachelorette:  That must have made Jeremiah sooo mad.

Hananiah:  No, he just walked away.  

Bachelorette:  So you got the last laugh?

Hananiah:  No, not quite.  Jeremiah returned afterwards and said that the yoke of wood I broke would become a yoke of iron, and then he prophecied my death:

   Then said the prophet Jeremiah
   unto Hananiah the prophet,
   Hear now, Hananiah;
   The Lord hath not sent thee;
   but thou makest this people
   to trust in a lie.

   Therefore thus saith the Lord;
   Behold, I will cast thee from off
   the face of the earth:
   this year thou shalt die.

(Jeremiah 28:15-16)

Bachelorette:  Ooh, that's too bad, sweetie.  I like my men alive.

Bachelor No. 2: The Old Prophet, "Call Me Nabi"

Bachelorette:  Tell me a little about yourself, darling.

Nabi:  Well, I am an old man, so I hope you like a little salt-n-peppa and arthritis.  I am a 77-year-old prophet.  Old prophets are the best, you know.  

Bachelorette:  Why is that?

Nabi:  Well, young men are too impressionable.  Sure, they're more vigorous and open-minded, but us old dogs have greater "ecclesiastical, personal and professional experience and insight" than those young upstarts.  It's good to be set in your ways.

Bachelorette:  [Furrowing her brow] Wasn't Joseph Smith 14 years old?

Nabi:  [Coughing]  Sorry, can we hurry this up?  I have a dialysis appointment in 10 minutes.

Bachelorette:  So what's your greatest accomplishment?

Nabi:  I played this wicked prank on another prophet, once.  

Bachelorette: [Coquettishly gasping] That's awful!

Nabi:  [Chuckling]  Nah, he was from the lower kingdom.  I am from Beth-el.  So he came into my kingdom, alright, and he healed the shriveled hand of King Jeroboam―

Bachelorette:  What gall!

Nabi:  Right?  Traipsing onto my home turf and performing miracles right under my nose!  So I told my sons to saddle my ass and I rode out to meet this other prophet and I invited him to my house to eat bread with me.

Bachelorette:  How nice of you.  I like a good party.

Nabi:  Well, this young whippersnapper told me, if you can believe it:

   I may not return with thee. . .
   For it was said to me
   by the word of the Lord,
   Thou shalt eat no bread
   nor drink water there,
   nor turn again to go by the way
   that thou camest.

(1 Kings 13:16-17)

Bachelorette:  But you're the prophet!  He was under your authority and jurisdiction, surely?

Nabi:  Absolutely.  Young people don't know their place these days.  So I told him:

   I am a prophet also as thou art;
   and an angel spake unto me
   by the word of the Lord, saying,
   Bring him back with thee
   into thine house, that he may eat
   bread and drink water.

(1 Kings 13:18)

Bachelorette:  And was it true?  Did an angel tell you that?

Nabi: [Shaking his head]  No, I lied.  But I was testing him, you see.  I was testing whether he'd follow the word of the Lord that had come to him, or follow another prophet.

Bachelorette:  And so what did the man from Judah do?

Nabi:  He chose . . . poorly.  He believed me.  He came to my house and I fed him dinner. 

Bachelorette:  Well, no harm no foul.  I am sure it was a good lesson.

Nabi:  Umm.  After he left, a lion met him on the road and ate him (1 Kings 13:24) because he disobeyed his personal revelation. 

Bachelorette:  So, the joke was on him, I guess.  

Bachelor No. 3: Balaam

Bachelorette:  Do you have any hobbies, sugar?

Balaam:  I like horseback riding and touring the countryside on my donkey.  

Bachelorette:  All those stables must be expensive.  Are you rich?

Balaam:  Yes.  You can tell a prophet is good at his job by his lifestyle.  You have to make religion look profitable or no one will bother with it.  Everybody these days wants taller temples; grandiose concerts; bloated bureaucratic budgets; creepy committees that strengthen church members by spying on them and keeping private dossiers on them  ― these are the things that make religion attractive.

Bachelorette:  You know what I find attractive?  All that money you have.

Balaam:  Yes, there are a lot of perks.  Being a prophet isn't bad, really: I get to rub shoulders with King Balak, I get a generous living allowance with an unlimited line of credit on my credit cards; and then there are all the honorary doctorates and my golden temple recommend that never expires. 

Bachelorette:  But how can you afford all that?!

Balaam:  Well, remember how Christ called Matthew, a tax collector, to the ministry?  I like to think that I am following suit, as a tithe collector, to pimp out the Lord's kingdom.

Bachelorette:  How noble of you!  You must have left a lucrative career to enter into the service of the Lord like this.

Balaam:  Oh yes, but it can be tiring, at times, touring the globe and giving all those speeches, disbursing other peoples' money to charities, overseeing thousands of employees, and making sure the professors at my universities tow-the-line.  It takes a lot of hard work, overseeing a billion dollar multi-national corporation.

Bachelorette:  You sound like a celebrity, like Bill Gates!  Do you know the Kardashians?  

Balaam:  I get around.  For example, I know an angel with a flaming sword.

Bachelorette:  Ooh, do you think you could introduce me to him?

Balaam:  Well, he called me "perverse" and stiff-necked, and in fact he wanted me dead, so we're not on speaking terms (Numbers 22:32-33). 

Bachelorette: [Looking pouty].  Too bad.

Balaam:  But my ass ― now there's an excellent conversationalist!

Join us next time for Wheel of Fortune: Prophet Edition!