The Bachelorette: Prophet Edition

Finale

​Welcome to the Season Finale of The Bachelorette: Prophet Edition.

What an incredible season it has been, watching our beautiful bride-to-be, Babylon "Babs" McConkie, narrow down her list of hunky prophets to the Final Four Suitors.

Tonight Babs will be crowned queen and choose between the remaining prophet contestants. 

Who will be her king?

   1.  Will she choose Court Prophet Zedekiah, the big-hearted frat brother from Arizona State University?

   2.  Or will she fall for bad-boy Hananiah who loves sesame bread and latkes?

   3.  After their disastrous date last week, is there any hope for Balaam?

   4.  And finally, will the Man of God himself, who needs no introduction, receive Babs' final rose?

Stay tuned for our most explosive episode yet . . . on . . . The Bachelorette: Prophet Edition.

Zedekiah and Babs' Date

[In the backseat of a princess carriage drawn by a team of four horses through Times Square]
​
​Babs: [Feeling Zedekiah's biceps] I've really enjoyed getting to know you. 

Zedekiah:  Me too.

Babs:  I never thought I would be dating one of the Minor Prophets!

Zedekiah: [Awkwardly]  Umm, that's Zechariah, Babe.  I'm Zedekiah, the son of Chenaanah.  The only place you'll find me (other than rocking the night club scene) is in 1 Kings 22.

Babs:  Oh, that's okay.  You're still famous, right?

Zedekiah:  [Shrugging]  Sure, I guess.  I was King Ahab's favorite prophet.  That is, until he followed my advice and died.  Yeah, it was pretty ugly, the way the dogs licked his blood.

Babs: [Swatting Zedekiah's shoulder flirtatiously] That's awful!  How could you do that?

Zedekiah:  [Laughing]  Well, I guess the king should have listened to the other prophet, Micaiah.

Babs: Who's that?

Zedekiah:  A nobody.  Just some lame doom-and-gloom fellow who gave Ahab a hard time.

Babs:  [Running her hand along the small of Zedekiah's back] I bet Micaiah wasn't half the prophet you are.

Zedekiah:  Well, Ahab wanted to know whether he should go to battle against this Ramoth guy (you know how the Israelite kings were always picking fights), and so Ahab called all of us prophets together.  There were about 400 of us.

Babs:  400?!  Who needs 400 prophets? 

Zedekiah:  Oh, you can never have too many prophets.  You need at least 15, minimum, to get a discount at the Wing Shack on Friday nights.

Babs:  And did all 400 prophets agree on what the king should do?

Zedekiah:  Oh, yeah.  We were certain Ahab would be victorious.  I even made the king some horns of iron―

Babs: [Coquettishly] I do like big horns . . . .

Zedekiah:  [Smiling] Then I should take you to see the horns and golden calf at the altar of Beth-El.  Anyway, I handed the king the horns and said:

   Thus saith the Lord,
   With these shalt thou push
   the Syrians, until thou
   have consumed them.

(1 Kings 22:11)

Babs: [Giggling]  How dramatic! I love drama, you know.  And fine wine, and fine twined linen, and . . . well, I just love fine things.

Zedekiah:  And then that kill-joy, Micaiah, interrupted our good vibes and said to the king:

   I saw all Israel scattered
   upon the hills, as sheep
   that have not a shepherd:
   and the Lord said,
   These have no master;
   let them return every man
   to his house in peace.

(1 Kings 22:17)

Babs:  That's confusing.  What'd it mean?

Zedekiah:  Well, Micaiah was saying we should not fight but return home.    

Babs:  Where's the fun in that?  Where's the glory in peace?  Give me a battlefield any day of the week.

Zedekiah:  That's what Ahab thought, too.  But Micaiah stood there and said:

   And there came forth a spirit,
   and stood before the Lord,
   and said. . . I will be a lying spirit
   in the mouth of all his prophets.

(1 Kings 22:21-22)

So I got really mad, see, because Micaiah was calling us liars.  So I smote Micaiah on the cheek for his insolence.

Babs:  Oh, I bet he cried.

Zedekiah:  I don't know, because Ahab threw Micaiah into prison, telling the guards to "feed him with bread of affliction" (1 Kings 22:27).  Then Ahab went to war.

Babs:  And did he win, like you said he would?

Zedekiah:  No, it turns out Micaiah was right.  The king took an arrow to his heart ― it was a shot in a million, really (none of us could believe it) ― and he died!  Just like that.

Babs:  Well, it wasn't your fault, Sweetie.  Don't beat yourself up over it.

Zedekiah: [Leaning in for a kiss] Don't worry.  The only arrow I'll take through my heart is Cupid's.

A Word From Our Sponsor

And now a brief public service announcement from our Sponsor:

​​   Son of man, prophesy
   against the prophets
   of Israel that prophesy. . .
   out of their own hearts,
   Hear ye the word of the Lord;

   Thus saith the Lord God;
   Woe unto the foolish prophets,
   that follow their own spirit,
   and have seen nothing!

   O Israel, thy prophets
   are like the foxes
   in the deserts.

(Ezekiel 13:2-4)

. . . We will return after a brief commercial break . . .